You have to laugh......

LoL to Shar and Pearl for providing these!

-x-

**********

A Husband was in big trouble when he forgot his Wife's birthday.

His Wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds!".

The next morning the Wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the Husband have been set for Saturday.

**********

Are you mad?

During a visit to a Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalised.

"Well" said the Director, "We fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room
with or without a view?"

Recipe of the Month

The one thing (although I’m sure I could come up with a list as long as my arm) that I detest about diet recipes – particularly those found in women’s magazines – is the writers insistence that all you need to consume for your main meal is a portion of lean grilled chicken and steamed vegetables and you will: fit into that size 2 dress (size 2 is a children’s size, isn’t it?); lose 7 pounds in 7 seconds (c'mon – we’ve all tried it); meet the man of your dreams (Hmmmmm)…. and all that jazz!! Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but to me it sounds like the most tasteless, boring and unfulfilling meal EVER. It would certainly not entice me to continue along the path of healthy eating. By 8 pm (max) I’d be ready to rummage through every kitchen cabinet in search of a filler.
This has inspired me to seek out recipes that are both healthy and bursting with flavour. Here is one such recipe for beef curry with toasted spices.
I recommend using either left over roast beef or leg of lamb cut into bite size cubes. Delicious!!
Oink oink,
Kath

Fatty Piggy a Milano!

So, perhaps you were wondering how my detour through Milan resulted – more specifically my calorie consumption.

I have one word for you…… DISASTER!!!

Italian food is glorious, delicious and fantastic.

On Monday night I was taken for a meal (Grazie, Roberto) that can only be described as sumptuous – or maybe gluttonous. Italians don’t generally go for dinner any earlier than 9pm so I was already on a losing streak. How to work off a 5 course meal at 12pm?? Okay, so there are probably plenty of ways, but I was on a business trip and my ‘exercise’ was safely tucked up in bed in Ireland.

The starter consisted of a Mediterranean buffet – all sorts of peppers, olives, artichoke hearts, cheeses, cured hams and seafood marinating in separate dishes of olive oil with garlic and various spices or balsamic vinegar. I gave up on counting Points after my second visit to the table.

For what I originally believed to be my main course, only to later discover was yet another ‘starter’, I had a dish called Papparadelle Porcini. It is fresh wide, flat strips of pasta served with a creamy mushroom sauce. Delectable!

When the waiter asked what I wanted for my ‘main course’ I, with much surprise, restated my desire for the Papparadelle Porcini. He clarified that this was not my main course but the pasta course. I declined his invitation to make a complete fatty piggy of myself and have a 12oz steak. Roberto did indulge in the steak, which looked absolutely mouth-watering.

During the evening we drank two bottles of a dark and fruity red wine. which served as an excellent accompaniment. We completed the meal with grappa (aids digestion – trust me!), as dessert, thank God, was declined by all. I can only refuse dessert if no one else is having one – otherwise I tend to join in.

The following days eating was no less calorific (a magnificent pizza and pasta combo washed down with a frothy cappuccino) and I barely managed to roll myself on to the airplane later that night.

I have gone back into ‘healthy eating’ mode today – have some compensating to do with my Points - but am looking forward to my next visit to Italy!

Oink oink
Kath

A. A. A. D. D.

Thanks to my Dad for forwarding this....
Oink oink,
Kath

Recently I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke® that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the Kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded,
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for ! it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Send this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

The story of the Chocca Mocha

Be wary of "friends" offering you a little treat such as a medium sized Mocha made with skinny milk from the local coffee shop...... how lovely I thought, yes I even took 10 minutes to relax in the canteen area for a change and savour the flavour yum, yum. However the evening came and it was time to tot up my points, so I flicked through my eating out guide to see if I could find a mocha made with skinny milk... now what could be the worst, 3 points I thought OH NO!!! a full, whole, big fatty piggy 5 points. Yes I did actually fall off the chair followed by an attempt of running up and down the stairs at least 20 times to try and repair the damage... until I tripped over tho dog and smashed my head into the front door (we have a small house... or could it be I have a big head) not too sure, and please don't comment on it ANYONE!

So fatty piggy's beware of those nasty little hidden points or should that be nasty little friends mmmmmm - you decide!!!

Oink, oink and flabber, flabber (in normal language thats love and hugs x)

My idea. Definintely mine :-)

Second half of Day 2: Vegetable mêlée isn’t bad. I stir-fry virtually everything in the house that resembles or could be called a vegetable (excluding the two legged variety). Once on the plate I cheat slightly by adding a teaspoon of rich soy sauce. All it needs is a breast of chicken and it would be perfect… Having said that - I have eaten, I am full and that’s all that matters. My family have started to question my sanity and simply shrug as I declare my distain for the condition of my body. I find it refreshing and wonderful that kids never seem to notice whether their Mom is a skinny piggy or a fatty piggy. Husbands daren’t comment on these things – at least not since Lorena Bobbitt took matters into her own hands… (Literally). I drink copious amounts of water during the evening finishing off once again with a cup of peppermint tea and my aloe vera tablets – still no labour like pains, thank God. I stress momentarily wondering if tomorrow is labour-day…….???

Day 3: I awake joyful in the knowledge that this is the last day. Today I start with decaf coffee and a bowl of prunes in their own juice. I am quite fond of prunes from a can so this isn’t so bad. My 1.5 litre bottle is full and I begin to drink. I have come to the conclusion that my brain and bladder actually work for different companies and that a memo will not suffice. I apply to the relevant authorities to commence a merger between the two entities. My friend and I rejoice by phone about this being the last day and describe in detail what it is we will indulge in on Day 4. In all seriousness, I have decided that I will continue to limit my bread and dairy intake beyond today as I am surprised at how good my stomach feels. I don’t have that stodgy bloated feeling after any of my meals. Ok, describing what I have eaten over the past couple of days as meals may be a bit ambitious but this is a detox after all. Coupled with the fact that I have not, for the second day running, experienced any stomach pains as result of the ‘cleansing’ tablets makes me think that detox isn’t such a difficult mission after all. Whoo Haa!
For lunch I have a bowl of soup with tomatoes and big chunks of vegetables and continue working my way through the bottle of water. Not only do I feel good but I am taken aback when I realise that I am quite full after the soup. Perhaps my body is starting to adjust to smaller portions. Joy and rapture! This just might work!!! I spend the afternoon alternating between water and peppermint tea (I really do need to find another herbal tea that I can drink). My friend calls and refuses to eat another piece of fruit stating that she would rather skip lunch. I remind her that we only have half a day left and we congratulate each other on how well we have done. Going cold turkey (pardon the pun) on bread has been difficult for her and her withdrawal symptoms have only just started to abate. We are lucky to have each other over these three days as there have been points where both of us felt like giving up – or giving in. I had to talk her down from a toasted sandwich in the middle of day two and she had to talk me down from a mixed tuna (with loads of mayo) salad earlier today. Together we are strong. Unstoppable. Goddesses of the detox world!!
My son has just received a glowing report from his teacher so we celebrate by allowing him to choose the menu for dinner. My stomach growls furiously as he happily lists out the items, which include pizza, garlic & cheese fries, Coke™ and chocolate & caramel ice-cream. I remain the all powerful and glorious detox woman as I dig in to a mixture of fresh vegetables steamed and served with a vegetable broth (sounds bland but actually tastes very fresh and wholesome). I drool into my veggies as I watch my son stretch the cheese on a hot slice of pizza as he bites and pulls it away from his jovial jaws. I close my eyes and pretend that the green bean I am chewing is a chip dripping in garlic sauce, and as the family make their way through the mound of ice-cream that is their dessert, I plough in to a bowl of pear, banana and strawberries – all fresh, all good, all low fat, all not ice-cream. Afterwards I sit on the couch feeling quite pleased with myself, a smug smile pasted on my face. I can do this! I have done this!
Each family member has loosened belts and buttons and is groaning about being ‘soooooo full’ and I realise that I too am full but in a much nicer way. I don’t feel like a stuffed fatty piggy. I feel like a healthy woman who has eaten well today. For the last time I go to bed with my mug of herbal tea and take my aloe vera tablets. In the morning I will stand on the scales and bask in the glorious result of my three day detox.

Day 4: I can’t wait to stand on the scales and barely manage to dress myself as I run to the bathroom to drag them out to the centre of the floor. The result is wonderful and causes me to cheer out loud. It has worked. I have successfully detoxed!
My friend calls me with an even better result than mine and we cheer triumphantly down the phone. We’ve done it! How fantastic is that???

I have resolved to continue my healthy eating plan and taking the aloe vera colon cleansing tablets – despite my detour through Milan in a couple of days. After all, there must be healthy low fat food available in Italian restaurants – all I have to do is look for it, right????!!!
Oink oink.
Kath

Whose idea was this, anyway?

Ok…. So a bestest Fatty Piggy friend and I decided that the only way to get back on track - following the October bank holiday weekend a certain amount of overeating and some extra curricular drinking – was to do a 3 day detox. We’re a day and a half into it and boy am I hungry!!!

Day 1 – I get up and drink 2 cups of herbal tea – peppermint being the only flavour that doesn’t make me wretch. Already I’m feeling healthy. I get into my car and drive to the local health food store to discuss my plan for a 3 day detox with the resident expert. She points me in the direction of some aloe vera colon cleansing tablets (the name alone scares me) telling me to avoid all dairy, red meats and wheat products, i.e. pretty much everything I would normally eat. I’m beginning to not like the sound of this. Then she directs me towards the dried fruits telling me that they are great for snacking. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I never eat dried fruits unless they’re chopped up and served in a Christmas cake alongside a coffee laced with an Irish cream liqueur. I grimace and buy the lot; prunes, apricots and the aloe vera nasty stuff. I deliver the tablets and dried fruit to my friend passing on the instructions to avoid everything that tastes nice and stick to fruit, vegetables and lots of water. Yum, I hear you say….. We exchange words of encouragement, support and dread and I go on about my business. Mid-morning I indulge in a strawberry and banana smoothie, which tastes really good and is made strictly from fresh fruit. Now I am feeling good about myself! The smoothie has filled me up and there’s only 2 hours to go until lunch time. I should make it! I can do this!
Lunch-time hits and I am frantically searching through the fridge and kitchen cabinets to find something that will taste nice and still stay within the detox parameters. I eventually give up and make a salad of lettuce, tomato, onion and pear with a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar. Not bad, but definitely not filling.
I had started drinking water earlier that day and am now gulping mouthfuls of it throughout the afternoon to curb my hunger. The side effect, of course, is now I am taking bio-breaks every ten minutes as my brain has obviously forgotten to tell my bladder that we are in detox mode. I would never survive as a camel!
My friend calls me mid-afternoon to question the need for the colon cleansing tablets as she feels as though the prunes and apricots have already started to work. I agree and admit that I have been as flatulent as a truck driver all afternoon. We have a giggle and carry on detoxing.
By dinner time I am ready to eat one of my young. I frantically call my friend and ask what she plans on having for dinner. We discuss this briefly between moans about how hungry we are and finally decide that soup is the best option. We can do this…! More words of encouragement are exchanged.
Back to the kitchen cabinets to forage. In complete desperation and by mistake I make the most delicious soup I’ve ever eaten.
2 X cans of chopped tomatoes – with nothing added
1 large red pepper
1 large red onion
2 celery sticks
1 carrot
2 cloves of garlic
Basil, thyme, oregano and black pepper
1 low salt, gluten free vegetable stock cube
½ pint of water
Simmer for approx 1 hour and puree it with a hand mixer.
Again I would like to reiterate how delicious this was and surprisingly filling.
I have a fairly hectic evening so the time passes quickly. I finish the day off with another litre of water, a cup of peppermint tea and finally two aloe vera tablets (this still scares me).

First half of Day 2 – I wake up with a slight headache and my stomach is growling. I read up on detox again and apparently this is normal and is most likely caffeine withdrawal. I would agree except I normally drink decaf coffee, so I’m none the wiser as to the cause and choc it down to starvation. I make peppermint tea and fresh pineapple chunks for breakfast and fill my 1.5ltr bottle full of filtered water. Mid morning my friend rings me to tell me that the tablets have worked a little too well and she has had pains in her stomach that are reminiscent only of labour. I am horrified. I didn’t like labour! I don’t want pains in my stomach! She reassures me by telling me that they only lasted for about 5 minutes and that she’s fine now. Sure, she’s fine. Her stomach pains have come and gone…. I haven’t had any yet! Anticipation is a killer.
The morning passes without incident and I’m feeling confident that I’ve had a lucky escape on the ‘cleansing’ front.
I have the other half of my soup for lunch… it really is good and filling. By mid afternoon I have finished my first 1.5 litres of water, have started into the second and have dissected a grapefruit, which I pick at occasionally. Meanwhile, my brain has still not had a meeting with my bladder. Perhaps I should post a memo?!? I have given up on trying to run to the loo between conference calls and have started bringing the phone with me – muting it, of course. I laugh thinking about the other 10 people on the phone who have no idea what I’m doing. The laugh is on me when I’m asked a question just as I flush and have to unmute the phone to answer. When one of my colleagues asks “What’s that strange noise?” I respond with “Oh, it’s my kettle. I was just making coffee.” All the while cringing and mumbling to myself about what a stupid idea that was.
As dinner is fast approaching I must off and start on my vegetable medley – or mêlée as the case may be…… More info tomorrow.
Oink oink.
Kath

Choices???????????

If, like me, you have been struggling with your weight for years the bad news is you will probably have to struggle for the rest of your life. My problem is not my weight but my LOVE of food. It is a constant battle against the bulge but take heart, life is full of choices and it’s the choices we make regarding our food that help us have some control over weight (if you pardon the pun).

*********

Lets just say you are sitting down watching the T.V. and you feel a bit peckish. You decide to have a "Raid the Press Moment". All us Fatty Piggies can identify with that. OK your willpower is shot and you decide what the heck go for it….. You don't want to make a pig of yourself so you decide on a light snack. You have two choices "To Be" or "Not to Be" a little piggy THAT IS THE QUESTION.

A Little Light Snack……… Or So You Would Think.

Two Cream Crackers with Butter and Cheddar Cheese
Followed by 2 Chocolate Biscuits
A Cup of Coffee and 2 Sugar

Total POINTS/Units: 12 Approx. - Not Exactly Stuffed Are You????????

The Low Fat - Low Cal Choice

A Packet of Melba Toast (6 pieces)
Two Portions of Laughing Cow Light (eliminates the need for butter)
A Packet of Pink and White Jammies (much nicer than the plain ones)
A Cup of Coffee and Artificial Sweetener

Total POINTS/Units: 4 Approx. - Not Bad Eh????

Its Your Choice!!!!!!!!!!!

************

Don't tell me "You Can't Have It"... I will want it even more. But with a little imagination we can have that snack or that treat without paying too high a price. Scour the supermarket shelves for those low fat or fat free items. Read the labels. Sometimes things that are not marketed as low fat, actually are. A recent product I found was a well known iced coffee flavour biscuit at just half a POINT/unit per biscuit, it can't be beaten with a cuppa.

So Remember Little Piggies 'Think Before You Oink'.

Your Bestest Piggy Friend

Shar x

Which one???

Nearly everything in life is measured and diets are no exception. Each diet has its own method of measurement, e.g. WeightWatchers® uses the POINTS® allowance whereas the G.I. Diet uses the Glycemic Index rating. There is also the dreaded body mass index (BMI) and various charts that plot your weight and height to determine if you are within healthy limits. Again, I refer to the fact that I am simply too short for my weight… I think I should be 6’1”.
If you are seriously thinking of changing your eating habits but can’t decide which diet is the right one for you; I came across this rather useful comparison that may lend a helping hand. I should point out that the comparison is slightly limited in its scope to probably the four most popular types, but it is worth a read as are the links embedded in each review.
Did you know that a study carried out by the Centre of Behavioural Medicine in Chicago in 1998 showed a direct correlation between successful weight loss and the monitoring of food intake? Conclusion; keep track of what you eat during the day – you may be unpleasantly surprised.
I discovered, after the first couple of weeks of tracking my daily intake of food, that I was (amongst other things) exceptionally careless at weekends - takeaway food, meeting the girls for coffee (which of course involves pastry) and visits to the pub being the biggest culprits. My findings were that I ate like a Fatty Piggy at weekends and I didn’t need a group of scientists to tell me that!
I have posted some links on this blogspot that I hope you will find useful and I would be grateful if you would send me links that you have also found informative (use the comments option below).
Oink oink…
Kath

Been there.... Done that!!

A friend sent this message on to us yesterday...... We're still laughing!

"A girlfriend just told me her story of what she did last night...

My night began as any other, come home, fix dinner, bath the kids. Then I had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours, 'maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet' so I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits, no melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them onto your leg (or wherever) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I'm mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (ya think?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out, it's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out thehairr dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am she-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extrodinaire.

With my next strip I move north, I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRIIIPPP!!

I'm blind, blinded from pain!!!OH MY GOD!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted, I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair, I hold up the strip - there is no hair on it, where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair, the hair that should be on the strip. I touch, I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door, who-ha sealed shut! Butt sealed shut, penguin walk around thebathroom tryingg to figure out what to do. I think to myself 'what can I do to melt the wax?' Hot water melts wax, so I run the hottest water I can stand into the bath, get in, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right? WRONG!! I get in the bath - the water is slightly hotter than is used to sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a bath full of scalding hot water. Which by the way doesn't melt cold wax. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Now nothing feels better than having your girlie goodies covered in wax, glued shut and stuck to the bottom of a bath full of super hot water, than dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post traumatic stresscounselingg for this event, but finally I see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!! It's so painful, but I really don't care, IT WORKS!! Isuccessfullyy remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.... ALL OF IT!! So I recklessly shave it off, heck, I'm numb by now, I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Watch this space....next week I'm going to try a home hair colour!!"

Welcome

A note to Sal: I apologies in advance for my flagrant abuse of the comma.

Welcome to the Fatty Piggy Club. The name for this 'exclusive' group was the brainchild of one of our dearest friends who ~ like myself and many other Fatty Piggy's ~ feels as though the never ending pursuit of the ideal weight (I should point out now that I am simply too short for my weight ;>), should be an enjoyable one. The key is to laugh at yourself every once and a while and don't be ashamed to say you ate the entire tub of full fat / make your stomach hurt ice-cream for no other reason than the fact that it was there.. in the freezer.. calling your name!!!
We - the Three Little Pigs - joined a well known weight-loss program in three different cities (and two different countries) within a few weeks of each other and have laughed our way out of a combined total of 35lbs since July 2005 - and when you add on our bestest Fatty Piggy friends (you know who the four of you are), who have been faithfully weighing in with us every week, it totals a staggering 65lbs (that's an average of over 9lbs per Fatty Piggy). Not too shabby!!
Our intention is to post recipes, notes, words of encouragement, confessions of Fatty Piggyness and other tid-bits that we feel should be shared with anyone who wants to read them - so please reciprocate when ever the spirit moves you.
Oink oink.
Kath

First Entry

How we will look in June 2006 :-)