For my CocoNUTTY pal, Sal.

If you don't believe me - check it out yourself!!!

Cleaning Maid Simple!

In this age of ‘multitasking’ it seems that most women are now realising that you absolutely cannot do everything by yourself! I spend my days trying to find the delicate balance of all things motherly, wifey, careery, etcetery….. I officially give up! It’s not possible to be wonder woman and besides the costume is too damn tight and it rides up your arse when you’re trying to scrub the kitchen floor.

I have, therefore, resolved to hire the services of a cleaning lady / maid / whatever the PC name is for them nowadays. I have been instructed by a friend to immediately source an Eastern European domestic goddess and hire her at once. The only problem with living on the west coast of Ireland (and in the middle of nowhere) is that in order to obtain one of these must-have accessories you must be in a position to pick her up from the local village (3 miles away) and drop her back when she’s finished. Oh – and by the way – most of these ladies have very limited English, therefore you will spend most of the two or so hours trying to give hand signals for what you need done. Not only that but I have been given sound advice (allegedly) that before you invite someone in to your home to clean it – it should be pre cleaned so that the incoming cleaner doesn’t think that you are a complete pig.

Surely this defeats the purpose?

By the time I have pre cleaned, hand signalled and provided a taxi service, I would have had the whole lot done myself. Surely there is a better way?

Enter one very good friend with a staff of cleaners – albeit for the hotel industry. But, hey?!? Hotels have more people trekking through them in a day then I have through my house in, well, 2 days if you count the stray animals and stray teenagers that culminate in my kitchen most evenings. I am due to get my first official clean in the next week.

I’m so excited!

What will I have cleaned first? My teenage daughter’s room? Oh wait – that’s a dead zone – no one allowed in. Ok, then. My son’s room? Um, well, that’s the twilight zone. Anything that goes in there doesn’t come back out again! My room? No wait. What if she rummages through my husbands underwear drawer? Oh dear. Ah, the kitchen! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that sooner? She could start with the oven. Perfect. But before she get’s here I might just give it a quick clean – just so she doesn’t think we’re a bunch of pigs…

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

If Women Drink ...

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......


IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

Castle Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness
The man is rough and will get laid one way or another.

Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.