Whose idea was this, anyway?

Ok…. So a bestest Fatty Piggy friend and I decided that the only way to get back on track - following the October bank holiday weekend a certain amount of overeating and some extra curricular drinking – was to do a 3 day detox. We’re a day and a half into it and boy am I hungry!!!

Day 1 – I get up and drink 2 cups of herbal tea – peppermint being the only flavour that doesn’t make me wretch. Already I’m feeling healthy. I get into my car and drive to the local health food store to discuss my plan for a 3 day detox with the resident expert. She points me in the direction of some aloe vera colon cleansing tablets (the name alone scares me) telling me to avoid all dairy, red meats and wheat products, i.e. pretty much everything I would normally eat. I’m beginning to not like the sound of this. Then she directs me towards the dried fruits telling me that they are great for snacking. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I never eat dried fruits unless they’re chopped up and served in a Christmas cake alongside a coffee laced with an Irish cream liqueur. I grimace and buy the lot; prunes, apricots and the aloe vera nasty stuff. I deliver the tablets and dried fruit to my friend passing on the instructions to avoid everything that tastes nice and stick to fruit, vegetables and lots of water. Yum, I hear you say….. We exchange words of encouragement, support and dread and I go on about my business. Mid-morning I indulge in a strawberry and banana smoothie, which tastes really good and is made strictly from fresh fruit. Now I am feeling good about myself! The smoothie has filled me up and there’s only 2 hours to go until lunch time. I should make it! I can do this!
Lunch-time hits and I am frantically searching through the fridge and kitchen cabinets to find something that will taste nice and still stay within the detox parameters. I eventually give up and make a salad of lettuce, tomato, onion and pear with a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar. Not bad, but definitely not filling.
I had started drinking water earlier that day and am now gulping mouthfuls of it throughout the afternoon to curb my hunger. The side effect, of course, is now I am taking bio-breaks every ten minutes as my brain has obviously forgotten to tell my bladder that we are in detox mode. I would never survive as a camel!
My friend calls me mid-afternoon to question the need for the colon cleansing tablets as she feels as though the prunes and apricots have already started to work. I agree and admit that I have been as flatulent as a truck driver all afternoon. We have a giggle and carry on detoxing.
By dinner time I am ready to eat one of my young. I frantically call my friend and ask what she plans on having for dinner. We discuss this briefly between moans about how hungry we are and finally decide that soup is the best option. We can do this…! More words of encouragement are exchanged.
Back to the kitchen cabinets to forage. In complete desperation and by mistake I make the most delicious soup I’ve ever eaten.
2 X cans of chopped tomatoes – with nothing added
1 large red pepper
1 large red onion
2 celery sticks
1 carrot
2 cloves of garlic
Basil, thyme, oregano and black pepper
1 low salt, gluten free vegetable stock cube
½ pint of water
Simmer for approx 1 hour and puree it with a hand mixer.
Again I would like to reiterate how delicious this was and surprisingly filling.
I have a fairly hectic evening so the time passes quickly. I finish the day off with another litre of water, a cup of peppermint tea and finally two aloe vera tablets (this still scares me).

First half of Day 2 – I wake up with a slight headache and my stomach is growling. I read up on detox again and apparently this is normal and is most likely caffeine withdrawal. I would agree except I normally drink decaf coffee, so I’m none the wiser as to the cause and choc it down to starvation. I make peppermint tea and fresh pineapple chunks for breakfast and fill my 1.5ltr bottle full of filtered water. Mid morning my friend rings me to tell me that the tablets have worked a little too well and she has had pains in her stomach that are reminiscent only of labour. I am horrified. I didn’t like labour! I don’t want pains in my stomach! She reassures me by telling me that they only lasted for about 5 minutes and that she’s fine now. Sure, she’s fine. Her stomach pains have come and gone…. I haven’t had any yet! Anticipation is a killer.
The morning passes without incident and I’m feeling confident that I’ve had a lucky escape on the ‘cleansing’ front.
I have the other half of my soup for lunch… it really is good and filling. By mid afternoon I have finished my first 1.5 litres of water, have started into the second and have dissected a grapefruit, which I pick at occasionally. Meanwhile, my brain has still not had a meeting with my bladder. Perhaps I should post a memo?!? I have given up on trying to run to the loo between conference calls and have started bringing the phone with me – muting it, of course. I laugh thinking about the other 10 people on the phone who have no idea what I’m doing. The laugh is on me when I’m asked a question just as I flush and have to unmute the phone to answer. When one of my colleagues asks “What’s that strange noise?” I respond with “Oh, it’s my kettle. I was just making coffee.” All the while cringing and mumbling to myself about what a stupid idea that was.
As dinner is fast approaching I must off and start on my vegetable medley – or mêlée as the case may be…… More info tomorrow.
Oink oink.
Kath