You Think English is Easy???

Can you read these right the first time?

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.


2. The farm was used to produce produce .


3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4. We must polish the Polish furniture.


5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .


8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10. I did not object to the object.


11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .


13. They were too close to the door to close it.


14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

My personal favorite!

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS by Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.....

Although I understand that there are many holidays celebrated in December - Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa - I only celebrate one.

So, to anyone that logs in to this blog.......... I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

May the peace of your God be with you.

Please fasten your seatbelts.

I’ve recently discovered the best muscle tightening exercise known to man. A flight between Copenhagen and Warsaw in an aircraft that’s only identifying marks were the airline logo and a safety statement that referred to the aircraft a ‘Q400’. A what? I’ve never heard of one of those! Who makes those? More importantly, who services those and how regularly? I’m sure my face was a picture perfect replica of Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’ as I stepped off the transport bus onto the tarmac in Copenhagen airport. My initial thought; where’s the real airplane and why have they let us off the bus in front of this antique, pretend, wannabe aircraft? Obviously someone working for the airline had a sense of humour as when I managed to drag my eyes away from the rather narrow body, faded paint job and silver propellers, which I found myself staring at in a sort of terrified disbelief, I noticed the quote painted next to the entry door, which read “An open mind is the best travelling companion.” Obviously a number of Munch’s muses had boarded said aircraft over the last number of years and some airline marketing whiz kid had decided that putting this quote on the side of the aircraft was the best way to placate the terrified passengers. This comedic genius undoubtedly won employee of the month as even in my distressed state I managed to break a shaky smile at the appropriateness and the irony. The one hour and fifteen minute flight to Warsaw seemed to take an eternity and was bumpier than the face of an adolescent male. When we finally landed, I realised that I was going to be as sore (if not sorer) as someone who had spent the last hour on a Nordic-trac machine. Not until I sat on the bus transporting the passengers to the terminal building in the Frederic Chopin airport did my body relax. I am, no doubt, going to require a full body massage to recover. “How tragic?” I hear you say. ;-)

Borat - an American's Nightmare

My husband and I went to see 'Borat; Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' at the cinema the other night. We laughed so hard, our jaws and stomachs hurt. It's well worth a trip to the local movie theatre.

PS - I hope the similarity between Borat and your Dad is strictly a facial one, Sal.

This clip is from Borat's American tour (not in the movie). I'm posting it for all you 'political animals' to scoff at and for the rest of you to laugh at. Big belly laughs, please.

For my CocoNUTTY pal, Sal.

If you don't believe me - check it out yourself!!!

Cleaning Maid Simple!

In this age of ‘multitasking’ it seems that most women are now realising that you absolutely cannot do everything by yourself! I spend my days trying to find the delicate balance of all things motherly, wifey, careery, etcetery….. I officially give up! It’s not possible to be wonder woman and besides the costume is too damn tight and it rides up your arse when you’re trying to scrub the kitchen floor.

I have, therefore, resolved to hire the services of a cleaning lady / maid / whatever the PC name is for them nowadays. I have been instructed by a friend to immediately source an Eastern European domestic goddess and hire her at once. The only problem with living on the west coast of Ireland (and in the middle of nowhere) is that in order to obtain one of these must-have accessories you must be in a position to pick her up from the local village (3 miles away) and drop her back when she’s finished. Oh – and by the way – most of these ladies have very limited English, therefore you will spend most of the two or so hours trying to give hand signals for what you need done. Not only that but I have been given sound advice (allegedly) that before you invite someone in to your home to clean it – it should be pre cleaned so that the incoming cleaner doesn’t think that you are a complete pig.

Surely this defeats the purpose?

By the time I have pre cleaned, hand signalled and provided a taxi service, I would have had the whole lot done myself. Surely there is a better way?

Enter one very good friend with a staff of cleaners – albeit for the hotel industry. But, hey?!? Hotels have more people trekking through them in a day then I have through my house in, well, 2 days if you count the stray animals and stray teenagers that culminate in my kitchen most evenings. I am due to get my first official clean in the next week.

I’m so excited!

What will I have cleaned first? My teenage daughter’s room? Oh wait – that’s a dead zone – no one allowed in. Ok, then. My son’s room? Um, well, that’s the twilight zone. Anything that goes in there doesn’t come back out again! My room? No wait. What if she rummages through my husbands underwear drawer? Oh dear. Ah, the kitchen! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that sooner? She could start with the oven. Perfect. But before she get’s here I might just give it a quick clean – just so she doesn’t think we’re a bunch of pigs…

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

If Women Drink ...

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......


IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

Castle Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness
The man is rough and will get laid one way or another.

Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall - you know the drill!

Do mirrors like this really exist and if so, where can I get one? Ha ha ha.

P.S. Thanks Suz -x-